Marriage Vows Sermon 9-14-08

     All Relationships have their ups and downs. There are arguments and disagreements. There are times when illness and emotional distress impact on the people in our lives. There are times where money and resources are not used the same way by people close to us. There are even times when no amount of money seems enough. One Partner might hold all the money cards along with the purse strings.

     In our childhoods we can not help but be dependent on our caregivers and Parents for comfort and basic needs. In friendships we often have an ebb and flow of comfort in a more level fashion. In our choices of Life Mates/ Partners and Spouses we expect our needs to be met by the Partner as equals.

     There is someone I know at work who constantly talks about her Husband in a way I frankly find Offensive. They have 3 children. They have been married for 20 years. The kids are now grown and away at College and working on their lives.

     When she speaks about her children she tells of all the things she has done for them. They are good kids by all accounts and doing well in getting set up as adults. She does expect something back for all she has done for them of her own free will. She once said that she was glad that her daughter had a couple of jobs so she could pay her back the money she gave her to go to school. The daughter is still in College. I ask myself why she gave the money to her daughter if it was not a gift.

     When her sons want to visit her apartment which is close to the beach and night life with a date she lets them. However there is a strange reluctance on her part. She tells us if he wants a Love Nest he should either go to a hotel or pay her the amount for staying at her place. If it bothers her why doesn’t she just say “No, I do not want a stranger in my home.” She just complains about it to us.

     When the kids want to visit they must “pay” her by taking her out to eat. When she wants them to visit she bribes them by cooking their favorite dishes.

     She tells every Female she knows to get the guy to pay for sex. She lectures at length that the way to make a relationship work is to keep the guy at bay but tease the hell out of them. She then teaches these females that when the guys are willing to pay for the attention give as little as possible since it is a valuable “commodity”. She calls anyone who gives affection, attention and comfort freely to their mate or spouse a fool. Her core belief system is an emotional and sexual Quid Pro Quo. She even treats her husband this way.

     I do not know if her Marriage started with Love or Impulse. In the long run it has turned into Glorified Prostitution. Her favorite Phrase is “Show me the Money”. She detests her Husband so much that she has moved into an apartment close to our work to be away from him. The Husband still thinks this move is a temporary separation. He still believes it is just getting their next smaller place set up since the kids are grown. She will never let him move in. She has even told us this.

     When any man enters her personal space she flirts outrageously; then pushes them away joking “what are you going to give me, man.” When they ignore her she pushes into them to force their attention back to her. She has men buying her Breakfast and sodas constantly. I have no idea if it has gotten to the point of money exchanges yet. I do not know if sexual favors are exchanged for this money. To all extent and purposes she is already a Prostitute.

     I do know that unless her Husband brings gifts and money when he visits her in “her” apartment, he does not get to go to bed with her. She has had this sexual Quid Pro Quo with her Husband a very long time, maybe the entire relationship. She chortles that when she does a Good Job in bed he leaves a wad of cash on her dresser in the morning.

     I am very sad about this relationship. It has no ear marks of a relationship where God has a place in it. I wonder if she used the Traditional Vows when she married her Husband. I like those vows with some personal statement attached. There is a reason that those vows are the ones most commonly used. They sum up the relationship in most of the relationship’s possible ups and downs.

     The idea behind the Marriage Vows is simple. The vows acknowledge the possibility of sickness changing the dynamics of a relationship. It also points to the up side that good health should not be taken for granted but embraced as an opportunity to build a stronger relationship.

     These vows remind couples that money may not always be available. In addition I think it also points to the idea that one partner may not make as much money, thereby impacting the resources available to the couple. These vows remind us that money can also be a great divider. How many times have you heard of couples splitting up because one of them hit a huge Mega Million dollar Jackpot? In these times the supposedly greener grass can look very tempting. People who you might find fascinating some how now find you wonderful company now that you have a little money to throw around.  The relationship you are in may not stand much of a chance with these interlopers driving a wedge in the relationship.

     These Vows also point to Fidelity. The Phrase “forsaking all others” seems to have lost a great deal in translation over the years. It means you do not entice or encourage people who might be taking what is rightfully your Mate’s. This part of the vow is much more far reaching than sex. It means sharing the good and the bad times. It means communicating your needs and desires to your mate. If the first person you reach for when things get tough is outside of your couple you are taking from your mate. It might even mean that they have no idea that there is a problem until suddenly you just up and leave. This gives them no opportunity to work things out, to help you, to understand where you are coming from.

     The last part of the Vows is a pale shadow of its former understanding. It states that the Couple will plan to be together until they Die. In this age of Serial Monogamy the idea of growing old and dying together only seems to be truly sought when we have exhausted the supply of fresh healthy, rich, tolerant potential mates. If you take the time to learn about your potential mate before hopping into bed right away, you can be more selective in your choice of who you Marry. Then the idea of growing old and probably sick together and supporting each other when money problems come up is a Joyous thing not the burden some people have made it.  

God Bless the Whole World, No Exceptions.

Angel Eliza